|Below is my testimony, and I am sure many of you will relate to my story.
Father God, I pray for all those who enter here and have experienced a broken, wounded heart. I ask that you would heal them completely of every injury. I give you all the glory and honor. In Jesus precious name, amen.
| THE WOUNDED HEART
The young girl looks to her father with adoration, her eyes filling with desperation as she waits to be picked up and held close. She does all she can to win his approval, but he never seems to notice she is even alive.
The little boy tries to be good, but all his efforts are in vain. He has felt the strap and worse every day of his life, along with the harsh degrading name-calling. He has learned to hide the bruises and welts, as well as the hidden tears.
Then we have the children, which suffer the unspeakable torment of sexual abuse. Their tears are too deeply hidden to even worry about being seen.
We see adults insecure in their own identity and self worth, being treated horribly by the ones they have given their love to. Wives and sweet hearts are being beat; men have cheating wives, draining them of their self-confidence.
We see the employer abusing the insecure employee; we even have harsh controlling pastors demanding servitude from their flock.
There is no end to the abuse mankind puts on the weaker vulnerable ones. Does this abuse have a lasting effect on a person, or is it forgotten as time goes on? What about the child that forgets the abuse as he or she matures, does this effect their lives?
Itís said the body has a memory and will show out if there has been abuse, even if the mind has blocked it out in denial. Iíve seen this in others, as well as having experienced it myself.
I have seen many women through the years that are driven to cut themselves in mutilation, as well as the one getting into one bad relationship after another, or the one turning to alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Then thereís the one, which goes from one sexual partner to another trying to find approval and acceptance. Thereís the one turning to members of the same sex out of a strong dislike for the opposite sex. All these cases have the same thing in common which is abuse!
Is there any help for these unfortunate victims of abuse? Weíve heard of the many years of therapy so many put themselves through. What other choices are there?
I would like to tell you my own story, with the hope one of you will find the answer for yourself or someone you care about.
I suffered sexual abuse from my natural father; the last time was when I was seven-years old. He would beat me and do all kinds of mean things to me. I remember adoring my father, which I always found strange considering all the abuse I suffered through him. My mother divorced him when I was six-years old, then about a year later she remarried. After a visit with my father I told mom I didnít want to see him again and I never did until I was a young woman of twenty-eight.
I remember so clearly the day my step-father took us to court and we told the judge why we wanted him to be our new father; and we were adopted by him becoming his legal children. We were so excited, he bought us all new clothes and we had so much to be happy about; we even had our first TV set!
Then little by little things changed. I remember sitting on the sofa watching my little sister get tickled and played with as I was ignored. I had begun to push my motherís hugs away from me; I resented her and wanted nothing to do with anyone. I blamed her for my father being gone, even though I didnít want to see him.
As the years progressed my younger sister and I were called stupid and told we couldnít learn, as well as getting beat at the drop of a hat, at twelve years old I determined never to cry when he beat me and I didn't. It was at this age that I first tried to take my life.
We werenít allowed to close our bedroom door except to dress, nor to sit and do nothing, we had to be working at all times. It was impossible to live there and be mentally healthy.
At the age of seventeen I married my high school sweetheart before he went to Vietnam.
The young man I had married came back from the Vietnam War an alcoholic and dealt out a lot of abuse, as well as chasing every woman that caught his eye. I filed for divorce with a two-year-old baby; convinced I had only my looks to lean on since I had no intelligence. My heart was broke, I had adored this young man and I saw no life for me with out him, except in raising my precious baby.
As the years went by I had remarried and began to ďact outĒ the abuse I had suffered. I would bathe three times a day and think nothing of it, washing my hands was a compulsion I had to do several times each hour, feeling dirty and stupid.
Then I began to have visions of my natural fatherís face as my husband would get near me, his skin would feel dirty and nasty, and I couldnít stand having him touch me. This wasnít all the time but all too often. I would get deeply depressed and suicidal, with no hope of tomorrow.
I was Born-Again!
Then one day I felt the draw to ask Jesus into my heart. It was a battle for me to let go and trust this unknown God, but I did and I am so glad.
The most difficult part of learning to walk with Him was trying to understand how He could really love me. Then one day I saw the truth and knew He did really love me, even as messed up as I was.
I want to share with you the inner healing He took me through.
The time came when I remembered the sexual abuse, not all but in part. I was angry about the many hurts and careless words thrown my way.
My parents and I had gotten along for some time yet I couldnít forgive and put it behind me. The thought of being submissive to my husband was out of the question! No man would have control over me!
One day I remembered a particular incident that had always upset me. The Lord led me to go into the bedroom close the door, then tell him about it in detail. This hurt and I was embarrassed to speak of these things to the Holy Lord.
I then asked Him to forgive me for the sin of bitterness, asking Him to heal my mind and memories, as well as forgiving the ones that had caused the hurt done to me. I asked Him to use these things to help others.
One by one the memories would surface and I would go through this same thing. It would hurt badly; I would cry and feel like a little girl all over again. The Lord held me close and He healed my mind and memories and yes He has used these things meant for my destruction for the healing of countless others through the years. I can now speak of them without the pain, shame or bitterness.
My natural father passed away nearly thirty years ago and Mom and Dad came to be my friends. Dad in his younger years was a very nervous man, not knowing how to handle children. I am not excusing what he did, but as he grew older he became sweet, and even-tempered. They both passed away this past year and Iím very excited to see them in Heaven, they both having received salvation while on the deathbed.
HOW DOES THIS LINE UP WITH THE SCRIPTURES?
Psalm 23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Spirit [in the Greek: pneuma]: the intellect
Soul [in the Greek: psuche]: the emotions, personality, desires
When the Lord restores our soul, He is repairing and making us whole. He will turn us into the person we were created to be, before man had caused any scars to be formed. All mankind has scaring and bruises on their soul from just living day to day in our society. But for the abused ones this is a promise we can cling to in all confidence, that the Lord will work a miracle in us.
Iím often asked why the Lord allows this to happen. I donít know all the answers, I wish I did. But I do know He allows mankind to raise their own family, as they will.
Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.
It's our choice, we ask the Lord to heal our minds and memories as well as teaching us to forgive, or we continue to be bitter and miserable.
HEB 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
Bitterness will only cause us to lose our walk; we can't be victorious and have this poison growing in us.
It doesnít matter how we manifest this abuse, the Lord will heal us and make us new if we will trust Him and follow Him completely. We must remember that even this can and will work out for His glory if we will allow Him to do a work in us.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Today I am a submissive wife as well as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am happy and have a good sound marriage of over thirty years.
The Lord gets the Glory for this not me. He has done a real work in my life and He will in yours as well. He loves us so much, nothing is too big for our Lord.
All the abuse in the world will not hinder what the LORD wants to do through us. Serving Him is wonderful and I can say in all honesty, that I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life. While I would never want to live through it again and I get angry when the innocent are abused, I have seen the glory of God working through me as well as other survivors of abuse and it thrills me.
The LORD loves you completely just as you are. Run to Him and make Him your Lord, and be healed in the name of Jesus.
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